scintillatingstanzas

roots.

Poetry month is coming to an end and I honestly have enjoyed every moment of sharing my work with you all. I have a small following of readers and it's a blessing to know that someone is interested in my work and actually finds it helpful in some way. 

With everything that has been happening this year in my life unexpectedly, I have found that being outside and planting my feet into the grass is one of the most therapeutic things for me. I have noticed that I am more concise with my words and I am starting to find myself not interested in the things that used to occupy my mind and time. With every moment outside amongst the flowers, birds, trees, and sounds of the wind I find myself becoming more open to the possibility of putting my phone down and allowing myself to become one with the outside -- even if just for a moment. 

Being grounded is something I have always struggled with. I often found myself trying to control things that were totally out of my control. Past trauma and pain and "the struggle" are embedded in the fabric of who I am but that didn't mean that I had to be married to those emotions, that pain, and those memories. I was operating out of a place of "I have to struggle in order for my life to mean something" and sometimes I still think that way.

To combat that I force myself outside as a reminder that I do not have control of anything -- except my reactions. I can choose what to keep and what to let go. I can choose what to divorce that is no longer serving me. Being outside is a reminder that as long as I can plant my feet into the ground and allow myself to breathe for a moment that life goes on. 

I have been using Twitter less and less daily but I posted something recently that not only resonates deeply with me but seems to resonate with others. I said, 

"I am divorcing my attachment to the idea that I have to struggle all my life. I am divorcing the idea that I have to perform to be loved. I am divorcing the idea that I cannot accept myself the way that I am right now." 

I meant that with every bone and breath in my body. I am really tired of being married to the struggle and to that struggle mentality. I am not a victim anymore. My life will have ups and downs that I cannot control. The only thing I can control is how many moments I can allow myself to go outside, plant my feet into the ground, and breathe freely. 

Next month is #MentalHealthAwareness month. I will be taking a hiatus from my personal social media accounts to focus on some inner work for a few weeks. I have some great features for next month's blog from some of my favorite people. Follow the blog's Twitter and Instagram for updates! I will be using those accounts during my hiatus from my personal accounts to keep you all updated on posts. 

Poetry month has been a blessing to me. I hope it's been a blessing to you too. 

Fin.

Come shine with me!

split.

I am an advocate for mental health because it has not only impacted the lives of those I love but also my life. I rarely talk about this in my blog or in conversation but in 2015 I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder ll and PTSD from childhood trauma. Dealing with my own mental health all of my life has been a struggle prior to treatment. I found myself in denial most times and blaming myself for the way I felt.

Having Bipolar Disorder has been a very difficult yet eye-opening experience for me. Each day I learn more about myself and I learn how to accept myself. I am thriving through my disorders and they are only a small part of the beautiful person I am.

Mania is the hardest part for me. I feel irritable, I spend money I shouldn't,  I can isolate myself, feel paranoid at night, not sleep, not eat or eat terribly, my speech becomes rapid, I have many ideas and I have even put myself in dangerous situations or have exhibited risky behavior.  I can be flaky and cancel things that I would normally love doing. I can make decisions that I will regret later -- this shows in my hair cutting. I used to self-harm 4 years ago during these episodes. I don't anymore. 

It used to be my depressive episodes that were the hardest. They would last longer than normal and make me feel empty inside. I would be depressed for months and months. I would be void of emotion almost. Barely crying, laughing and smiling as a way to seem normal, not feeling attached to anything or anyone. Drinking and smoking to socialize with the group or to be able to just hang out with people for long periods of time that were not in my core group of friends. 

Treatment saved my life and it made it so I could better cope and identify what was going on. I have never felt comfortable talking about my symptoms or writing poetry about it that I would like to share. Today, I am manic, yesterday, I was manic. I am okay with saying this. I am okay with this part of me.  I am thriving with a mental illness. I am high-achieving, I am witty, I am loving, caring, and a goofball. 

This is my first poem about having bipolar disorder. As an advocate for mental health, I am comfortable with being transparent in this moment. My therapist and my support system have helped me reach this point. 

Enjoy.

 

Come shine with me!

pure.

Today is a special day for me. It is the day that the love of my life was born. My husband is hands down an angel. I rarely write love poems because it is so hard for me to put into words the happiness I feel thanks to his love. My husband is so deserving of celebration because his light shines so brightly. 

Love is an action word as most of us have heard before or experienced. I never really understood what that meant until I met my husband. As cliche as it sounds, he is really an angel on Earth. He has a white aura around him which stands for purity, angelic attributes, the beginning, and the destination. 

I have learned through loving him and being loved by him that things always work out. No matter what, having faith and being hopeful always work out. He has shown me this so much in the 5 years of being in his life through how he lives his life. 

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So many blessings are given to him because he believes in himself. I think that is something that has rubbed off on me. He has taught me how to be stoic, how to be okay with not being okay, how to seek help and not be ashamed, and how to do what is in my best interest no matter what others may think.

He is a very private man and doesn't celebrate himself outwardly like I would like him to. He is content with who he is as a person and loves his solitude. That is something I have learned to not only love about him but I have also found myself enjoying those moments of solitude as well. Sitting in silence with him and reading or just enjoying the scenery in our backyard has become some of my favorite moments with him.

He is the epitome of someone who listens actively and provides sound advice when needed. I am forever grateful to have found a true love so young and to be able to grow up with him each day.

Here is a poem I wrote to celebrate him. True love exists.

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Come shine with me!

alone.

April is National Poetry Month and many of you may not know this but I began writing as a poet when I was a teen. I started performing my poems in high school and continued to perform throughout college. I studied Creative Writing in college and got my first degree in Linguistics and Poetry. Writing has always been my way of expressing the things I never had the courage to say but Poetry was and will always be my first love. 

This month I will be posting poems weekly to show not only my love for poetry but force myself to share this part of my light that I have kept hidden for almost 5 years now. Sharing these poems with you dating back to almost 10 years ago is my way of showing that I trust my readers. Your light shines so brightly on to me that it makes me want to revisit things that once brought me joy.

Every poem will have a short back-story and graphic that can be reposted on social media. If you are also a poet or want to try some different poem styles use the hashtag #scintillatingstanzas when posting so I can read them! I will also be posting some writing prompts that I loved doing. Enjoy!

 

If something is sewn together poorlyit falls apartgirlswho take tattered garmentsmake-shift patchesto cover holesthat come frompuncturingrelationshipsbadsexandlackofcommitmenteach limb sewn to a battered bodyuneven y.png

In 2012 I found myself in a situation where I was not looking for a relationship but using men as a way to rebuild myself. This poem is about someone who, through their actions, reminded me that I was not only lacking self-worth but also the dignity to know when to walk away. I even recorded this poem for their album in an effort to make them see how I felt. Needless to say, that didn't do a damn thing. They just thought it was a cool intro to their song. Being in a cycle of abuse and trauma made it easy for me to end up in the strangest situations with men. I never wanted to be with them but I always wanted to have a piece of them. A twisted cycle. I am so happy that I have healed from trying to fill that void. 

 

 

Have you ever been in this situation? Let me know! 

Come shine with me!